Autoethnography. Entry 7 — From Russia to New Zealand: what changed for me as a lesbian

My life has drastically changed since I moved from Russia to New Zealand 4,5 years ago. One of the reasons my partner and I migrated was the fact that our relationship was not generally accepted, and we found ourselves in a position where we had to lie and hide, which was very uncomfortable. Since the whole story began, still in Russia, I started to realize that our relationship is perceived very differently from the New Zealand side. Firstly, when we applied for visas, we were considered a couple that was actually equal to heterosexual couples, which was very unusual for us and very pleasant. When we arrived in NZ, for a while, I felt a bit weird saying out loud about the fact that I am having a female partner. A weirder thing, though, was that people reacted positively or neutrally. In NZ, I have not faced any single manifestation of negative attitude towards me because of me being a lesbian.

Although there were several quite awkward situations when a person (a medical staff or a colleague) assumed my partner was a man, after my corrections, these people apologized and felt that they might have offended me. This was also so unusual — that people did not want to hurt my feelings. In Russia, I felt that feelings of LGBT people were dismissed to a large extent as something not worth paying attention to.

I started to speak about my partner openly at the institute I enrolled into, and that was such a refreshing — and sometimes mind-blowing — feeling! No one judged me. No one said — stop broadcasting, keep quiet. I did a few presentations on the topic of LGBT in Russia in front of my class, and that was also unforgettable. I could defend my identity! Honestly speaking, that was the first time I even heard this word — identity, as it was not generally used in provincial Russia back then (perhaps in the capitals, but I am not from there).

After that, I found a great job, and I was also open about my female partner there. The workplace had a Rainbow Tick, a thing that nearly made me cry when I saw it for the first time. The realization that the identities of LGBT people are protected here was so cool! It perhaps made me finally believe that I finally have the official recognition and support of who I am. My colleagues were absolutely cool about that, which was unimaginable for me in Russia (I lied then about myself as I did not see any other option I was comfortable with). I got on friendly terms with one of the team members, who was a woman of my mom’s age, but very active, energetic, humorous and open-minded. She helped my partner with her English, we started to visit each other’s places for dinner. We talked a lot, among other things, about social justice and injustice, about Russia, about LGBT. We are still good friends with her and her husband, and I cannot but admire how smart, intelligent, kind-hearted and humane they are. I simply cannot imagine any people in Russia of their age supporting LGBT persons in the way they do with regards to us. I am feeling sorry that my mum will never be able to talk to me that openly on any topic regarding my relationships with my partner. I don’t even feel that we could invite my mum to our wedding (if my partner and I decide to get married) — she would be so out of place there. She, for example, even never seen us kissing — so the whole wedding thing would be really overwhelming for her. And this is a pity.